Taco Bell Value Meal Guy

Years ago I met a really nice, mildly attractive guy through a church group I was part of. He had a squeaky voice, but was genuinely a good conversationalist and nice guy. I was in the midst of one of my extended post-break-up pity parties so I accepted this guy’s invitation to go on a date.

He picked me up and we went to the movies to see Garden State in the theater. I felt zero chemistry with this guy, but he was a child psychologist with an artsy flare to him so it was worth a try. Once the movie was over I could tell he was feeling it…and I was ready to go home. I was missing my ex-boyfriend because as I sat in the theater avoiding physical contact with my date, all I could think about was how not right this was and how right the last guy was…blah blah blah…you know that I’m talking about…you’ve likely been there.

After the movie was over he said, “I was thinking we could go find some Mexican food for dinner, do you have any ideas?”

I mentioned a list of mexican restaurants (a little annoyed that he hadn’t done a little planning in advance…) like El Torito, Don Cuco, Chevy’s, etc. Then he uttered the unthinkable:

“I love Taco Bell actually. Is there a Taco Bell nearby?”

I didn’t know if I should be insulted or grossed out, but I don’t think he meant to evoke either response. He truly thought Taco Bell was acceptable date dinner. Seriously??

I inwardly mused to myself, “well, I really want to get home, I’m so over this date…so Taco Bell will speed the process. I’ll direct him to the Taco Bell near my house so this will end as soon as possible.”

Upon arriving at the Toluca Lake Taco Bell (yes, there is such a thing…an oxymoron for sure…similar to “Malibu McDonald’s”) and what do you know, they only take cash! Guess who didn’t have any cash? Yup. Guess who did? Me.

I bought two value meals as he apologetically showered me with his embarrassment: “I didn’t know they didn’t take cards. Why don’t they take cards? Isn’t that strange? I feel so bad. I don’t know why they take cash only…”

After our fine dining experience in the purple metal swivel chairs, he took me home. Much to my surprise, he called off and on for a year and left messages on my machine asking if I wanted to go out again. Call me a traditionalist, but if you really like a girl, don’t you get a little more creative than Taco Bell on a first date? Fine if you’re kidding or being playful…but he was very serious. Perplexing.

At least I liked the movie! I just couldn’t see a road to happiness paved with a squeaky voice and taco bell breath by my side.

Hooked on Fonicks

I can’t help but share this one with you. It’s just too good. I was notified by eharmony that a man was “requesting communication” with me. Since I am not currently subscribed to eharmony and I was procrastinating on the internet, of course I logged on to read this man’s profile:

The most influential person in my life has been:

My sister was the most influential person in my life because she was always remind me to dream big for higher education, so I will be some body in the future

A Frog that Won’t Get a Date

I want to share with you the profile that one guy who just “initiated communication” with me wrote for his profile. It’s almost too unbelievable…but certainly not as unbelievable as the series of pictures he posted including several of various animals and 2 of himself. I wish I could post them for you to see. It’s good good stuff. If you are like me, I would want a mental picture of this guy I’m about to read of, sooo think of pictures you’ve seen of serial killers on TV and then cross that with an Amish guy…that’d be this guy. Here is his stunning profile. I copy and pasted it so that you would not miss out on any of this gem. My commentary you’ll find in parenthesis and in pink.

With me I’m a curious person always willing to try new things. I’ve eaten stuff like sea cucumber (it was like a fishy tire and I was like the first non-asian person at the restaurant I was at to order it), yucca flower, made my own sagebrush tea and will try just about anything once…I sort of feel like I should try things in order to expand my worldview so that I’m not locked in my “Western” view of the world. 

I like all sorts of animals, including the ugly ones(which are? Sea cucumber? How nice of you to be so impartial.) – I wont hurt spiders or rattlesnakes. I occasionally shoot (I like 22s), but I don’t hunt(so who are you shooting then? Let’s hope targets. Probably good to be a little more specific.). I have my little dog(of course you do), whom I totally love. There are different types of dog owners (and you’re the crazy type) and I’m the type who views dogs as members of the family. Growing up I’d raise tadpoles into frogs, have fish and I even had pet black widows once. (so you’re that freaky kid. got it.)

I keep myself involved in what is going on in the world and would be considered a “high information voter,”(oh lord) but I have no partisan affiliation – I follow Glenn Greenwald and FDL, but I’m a square peg in a round hole to be defined as either “Left,” “Right,” “Libertarian,” “Progressive,” etc as I’ve got bits of each. 

Though I don’t belong to any organized religion, I’ve been active in Christian-related non-profits. I served on the school board for my grade school (which the school was part of the church) as it was on its last legs and that was painful to be a part of(oh tell us more please. so so interesting), but by having no affiliation with the church in any way I helped smooth things over as much as I could with the parent board members who felt the church was being evil for closing the school – I spoke as the alumni representative(Ok, this is just too good to really say much about. “Alumni Representative” did they give you a printed name badge to wear?), so they listened. I was also on the board for another non-profit, but I resigned from that board in disgust over what had gone on by other board members. I had considered my board work to be my way of going to church. Ummm probably totally different, but nice try.

In matters of business I can be quite serious. (interesting, because due to your intensity throughout this monologue I thought you were a light hearted dude) My usual MO is to be smiley-jokey, but I can turn that off as the need arises. Aside from the board work that I’ve mentioned, I’ve worked in the family business helping to defend against shakedown lawsuits, worked on a large corporate bankruptcy case where our client was about the only one to come out of it OK and right now I’m responsible for thousands of people completing their training. I do feel it is important to maintain a balance, so if I’ve been in serious mode a lot, I’d be more inclined to watch cartoons or otherwise be sillier than I usually am. 

I’d like to meet someone who is curious, good natured and open minded as well as is knowledgeable about the world. I’m open to a lot of things, so I feel the best way to narrow things is to describe myself and if what I say you don’t like, that takes care of things…like gosh, it’s perfectly understandable that not everyone is going to want to have a boyfriend who chews on pine needles! (I would like to say that the last sentence was my favorite)

Cemetary Lowrider

I think I was about 20 years old when my cousin and aunt said “I think we found the perfect guy for you!! Can we set you up with him?”

I said “absolutely!” and the matchmaking was in motion. 

My aunt and cousin knew this guy because of the business they own which interacts with a local cemetary. This dreamboat worked there, and I promise that’s not the strange part of this story. 

My cousin, her little kids, myself and this guy met for a meal at Islands so that we could be introduced. He came dressed in business casual attire, button up shirt, nice khaki pants and he was cute-ish.

We had an awkward but good dinner, he paid for everyone, and asked me if he could take me out on a date. I said, “yes, I’d like that.”

We went out to Citywalk (Yes, you might sense a theme that I’ve gone on a lot of first dates to Citywalk.) and had dinner, walked around and chatted. The date went well, but then we went to the valet parking as we were leaving and waited, and waited, and waited for his car to come. It felt like a long time, but it had only been about 10 minutes and the attendant apologized and saying, “we’ve had trouble finding your car sir. What kind of car is it?”

He answered and then flew into a temper tantrum which included pulling the railing of the line divider out of the concrete holders. He looked a little like the Hulk getting really pissed off and destroying part of the city around him. 

Now, I must say, I had not evolved enough in my discernment to realize that this was a reason to never go out with him again, but I did note it as a HUGE red flag. I imagined myself on the recieving end of that anger, and it really terrified me. 

He drove me back to my car and said “you be careful driving home, don’t bring in anymore business, okay?” and winked.

Did he just use some sort of dark cemetary humor on me? OH my. 

A few days later, he called and invited me to go on a third date. “This time,” he said, “why don’t you come out to my place in Granada Hills and we’ll go to a movie or something. I don’t know what to do out your way.”  I agreed, wrote out directions to his house, and was irritated by his lack of creativity. I started to drive to “Granada Hills” (which is a nice middle class suburb of LA) and found myself driving into the heart of Panorama City (which is a place white girls should not hang out. Super-gang territory and pretty notorious for criminal behavior among its residents).  As I drove up I met my formerly-well-dressed-date who was, this time, dressed in a thin white tank top/undershirt, tucked into baggy pants. On the white shirt was airbrushed his name or something. Who knows. Very odd change in his image. My more urban friends from high school would have called this “wanna-be-gangster” attire. As if this wasn’t enough, he greeted me by describing that he had spent the early part of the day putting a pink light rim around his lowered Saturn Twin Cam. Coooool. 

Why oh, why, didn’t I just drive home? I think I was trying to be polite, but this is when it’s a great time to “get the flu” or “forgot to visit my grandma in the hospital.”  These are some tricks to have in your pocket for an occasion when the cute white boy turns gang banger on you before you can even blink.

I probably shut down, as I can be known to do when I am uncomfortable. It’s one of my more awkward defense mechanisms. 

We drove around in mostly silence, he drove WAY too fast, I was scared. Then he said “okay, so Togos or McDonald’s? Where do you wanna eat?”

Wow, not the kind of dates I was used to, but maybe this is how he and his homeies roll with their bitches. I politely replied, “um, Togos is fine.”

We arrived at Togos and he said in line “I’ll still pay until we get into a serious relationship, then we can split the bill.”

Oh, how charming. Thank you for treating me to a glorified Subway sandwich.

We ate our sandwiches and he told me about his mom and how much she’d like me. I asked what she did and he said “oh, she’s the makeup artist at the cemetary.”

Then he asked, “do you like flowers?” 

“sure. they’re great” 

“Good, cuz once we’re official, you’ll get a lot of them, because I have access to so many at work!” 

I’ll leave you with that last gem to savor….just too good to even comment about it.

…he drove me back to my car and I didn’t ever go out with him again. My cousin had no idea of his alter-gangster ego and we had, and still have, a good laugh about it all.

Iceskating Wedding DJ

I was the maid of honor in a friend’s wedding a few years back in the month of September. She had asked me to sing a song at the last minute, and I agreed. I asked the DJ, who had a stunning resemblance to Hugh Grant, to turn down the trebble so that I could sing along with the track and not hear as much Sarah McLachlan. We flirted, friends whispered and I was hopeful that Hugh Grant the DJ would ask for my number. No luck.

8 months later, I was the guest at a wedding about 60 miles from the Sarah McLachlan song wedding and I noticed that the Hugh Grant DJ was there! “No way! I have totally met him!,” I mused to friends.

The DJ recognized me, and said “wait, you’re the singer. How are you?”

By the end of the evening he motioned to me to come over to him. I was excited thinking, “THIS is awesome!!! He’s totally going to give me his number!”

And he did.

He handed me a free pass to Pickwick Ice Rink and on the back was a phone number. He said “I like you a lot, I would love for you to give me a call”

I said “oh, is this your cell?” (because it was a few years ago, in the days of everyone still having a home phone)

He said, “ummm no, it’s best you not call my cell. This is the work line. I work at Pickwick and rent the ice skates to people. I’m there all the time, so come see me, here is a free skate pass, and call me at work. You can ask for me there or feel free to just stop by and I can take my break.”

Unfortunately for the DJ I wasn’t 15 anymore so his chosen profession wasn’t as cool as it would’ve been back in high school. I also am a little too wise to not suspect a cheater when a guy says “probably not best you call my cell.”

You’ll have to find another bridesmaid to ice skate with Hugh Grant, I’m not up for hanging out in the bleachers on your 10 minute break at this stage in my life, and frankly neither should you 30 year old DJ.

High School Reunion and Valet Parking Guy

My 10 year high school reunion had come and gone, sitting at a friend’s bar the next night, sharing gossiping with her about all the details of how this or that person looked or acted.

There were the panties that a trampy girl from high school opted not to wear in order to show plenty of my guy friends what she looked like under her dress when she put her feet up on the fire pit to “stretch” and how her military husband was in the other room while she was doing this.

Then there was the way that I had to got to sit by the deaf guy who had recently come out, and who spent the night trying to out attractive straight guys from our class. I do have to say, he has good taste, but it was a little overwhelming at the volume he would share his assumptions since he can’t hear himself tell the story.  I did get a kick out of the guys figuring out that our sweet deaf friend had a crush on them and didn’t stop at admiration, but continued to accusation of putting their sexual preference in question too…very loudly in the banquet room for anyone to hear.

I had organized the reunion (something I’ll politely decline from helping with next time) and had the task of contacting these people to get their current information. I went on three dates with former classmates that year, and one was with a guy who’d liked me since 7th grade. I’d always “just wanted to be friends.” 

A friend of mine had run into him at the gas station and said he’d really grown out of his awkwardness and was successful in the entertainment industry (which basically means he had a job) and was really cute. I found him online and “friended” him under the guise of “trying to get his current info for the reunion” and he took my nod to be permission to ask me out…again. This time, I said “yes,” and he was great at calling when he said he would and setting up plans. We had a few good chats on the phone and I was truly looking forward to the date. He’d always been such a nice guy.

When he picked  me up, I had to disagree with my friend that he hadn’t quite outgrown his awkwardness. He was hiding it behind expensive clothes and an expensive car. To add to his insecurity, he’d lost his hair. This I didn’t care about, only how it seemed to affect his confidence level. 

We got into his brand new Audi and I noticed an expensive watch, designer clothes, and then…alllll he would talk about was how much money he was making…where he lived…how much he paid for where he lived…how he was helping his parents pay their bills too…because you know….he has soooo much money supposedly. Ugh. Why in the world did he think this was a good opening conversation?

Now, before you say it, let me acknowledge that I think he was very nervous. I gave him that. I didn’t write him off right away. Awkward and nerdy isn’t necessarily a reason to cross a good guy off of a list. I know. 

We got to the really bad comedy show he had chosen for us to go to in Santa Monica and told me “I never self park. I always valet.” Oh geeze. However, the valet was for an expensive restaurant about 6 blocks away from our location, and there was self parking right across from the comedy house. Oh my.

We walked and walked and finally reached our destination. At the door and an attractive, bordering on arrogant, guy who greeted us. He was one of the comedians, and apparently my date’s friend. The first words out of his mouth were “wow, new clothes, new watch, new hair cut….geeze (he looked at me) he must really like you.” I shuttered with embarasment for my date. Oh dear. Busted.

The comedy was rarely funny, and it wasn’t just me who was choosy…no one was laughing. There is nothing worse than not-funny comedy. Well, I suppose there are worse things…but this should make a short list at least.

We walked the half a mile back to the valet where the guy asked if we’d validated in the restaurant. Of course we hadn’t, so he had to pay something like 30 dollars for his necessary valet experience when he could have gotten the first hour and a half free in the self parking. Oh well, I guess when you’re newly “loaded” like he is…throwing money around is fun.

We drove home and i tried to keep the conversation going, but there wasn’t really much to talk about. He wasn’t going to really let me get to know him, only pretend him, the guy who makes loads of cash editing tv. Sure. I’m so sure.

He dropped me off and said something like “let’s do this again,” but I didn’t ever hear from him and his new watch again because I think, well, he knew I would just want to be his friend.

Can We Date Flowchart

My brother just found this and posted it on Facebook. I thought it was perfect for this blog. I thought it was really funny! Enjoy!

Thoughts on contentment, coveting, and my dog’s fascination with flip flops

My dog and I have a good relationship. He’s a “people person” so I try to give him plenty of attention, even though sometimes I don’t feel like it. I feed him, I take care of him, and I do my best to keep him away from raccoons at night that hang out in my trees, and I keep the gate closed tight so he won’t run out into the street. I do this because I love him.

Another part of our relationship involves his adolescent fascination with digging through the trash and scouring the house for just about anything he can sink his teeth into and chew up. In the last 10 minutes since he’s been running around the house I have confiscated a q-tip, a houseguest’s flip flop, a popsicle stick, and then he managed to run over and give me a big wet kiss, I’m pretty sure…he took a drink of toilet water. I’m glad everyone flushed. Yuck.

I know every time I take something away from Frankie, he’s pretty upset at me. I can imagine him saying “Mooommm why can’t I chew up that splintered popsicle stick!!?”

His fascination with the actual chew toy I gave him (which he has many) is keeping him occupied right now as he hangs out on the other couch across from me as I write. I’m pretty sure he’ll be on an adventure soon to chew on some coal in the fireplace or a pair of my socks. He has an insatiable appetite for things I do not want him to do.  I’m working on commands like “drop”, “no”, and “come” so that my dog will have a life free of a thousand trips to the Vet and won’t cost me 40 dollars today in Rainbow sandal replacement if he had his way with my guest’s shoes.

When I think about it, I’ve probably not been all that different for the Lord to encounter. God loves me, so he has given me a really wonderful set of commands so that my life will go well.  

(oh, here we go, he’s now chewing on my toes! I knew that chew toy wouldn’t be fascinating for long.) 

I’ve dated many guys who I probably shouldn’t have. I have held on tight to relationships that had long expired their “maybe this could work” point and landed in the “this is destroying my soul” category. 

I’ve been selfish in pursuing dates with guys for my own gratification and ego. I’ve wanted to date attractive guys to prove that I could and I’ve kissed them and ran away and not returned their calls. Over and over, I seem to learn the same lesson again: God’s way is best, mine leads to the depleting of my soul…and certainly not helping the cause of others either.

When friends get engaged or pregnant, I admit that sometimes I’ve been jealous and delayed in fully celebrating their life with them. I’ve coveted their life stage and wished they’d delay theirs until I could join them. For some reason I’ve thought that God was depriving me of what I needed, when He has walked with me in the story of my life, unique in its rhythm and tune.  I’m so determined to push aside this kind of jealousy because I want friends to celebrate my life with me when I am living it…and I should return the same love. When we covet, we make another’s joy about us and our ego…when it isn’t about us in the first place.

The struggle of life seems to be to find contentment and peace which I believe come from the surrender of our hopes and fears to God.  In His tender hands these things are safe and trustworthy.

These rules and guidelines (10 commandments & all of Jesus and Paul’s teachings) have sometimes felt like handcuffs, when they were really bumpers on the lanes at the bowling alley guiding me in the right direction. I have found through the years of living in the way Jesus tells and shows us to, there is immense freedom to be found.

I sat on the shore of the Pacific Ocean today as the waves crashed and my friend shared the complexities of the relationship she is in, we talked about these truths. She shared how she coveted another friend’s post-pregnancy body and relationship with her husband. It seems in all stages this nasty coveting practice holds us captive from the gratitude that we should be exercising to experience the fullness of life. Yet, here we were, two friends at 30 years old, with good jobs, places to live, food in our pantries, and a Sunday afternoon to sit at the beach club and enjoy the sun dancing on the edges of the waves as they crashed on shore. Just this day is enough. Just these moments are rather undeserved if you ask me. All of it is blessing. All of it is beauty.

As my dog scampers down the hallway of the house, poking his head in each room I hope he won’t run into the closet and pull out another thing I’ll have to tell him “no” to.  But, there he goes again, he just jumped on my head (yes, on my head) with one of my expensive flip-flops in his mouth. He just never seems to learn.

My friend and I expressed the same sentiment, that no matter how much we try, our thoughts seem to have a habit of finding a home in sinful and unholy, rather than embracing the way we know we are to live in. We concluded that it’s a daily commitment to God’s way of living, not our own. One leads to a dead soul, the other leads to life and love that takes our breath away.

May we live a life of gratitude, contentment, and love…and may my dog stop chewing on all the wrong things!

Superman and Strippers

I went out with a guy who I met on my first Match.com adventure. He looked to be good looking in his profile pictures. The only one that raised an eyebrow of concern at all was one where he was fully decked out in a Superman costume. I mused that it was likely his Halloween costume, and didn’t think much of it. 

We met for coffee and as I waited, I watched a man approach who was wearing taper legged medium wash jeans with a matching jean jacket. Under the jacket was a messy t-shirt that he had tucked into these jeans and to top it off he had….drumroll please…a combover. 

This guy was clearly posting pictures from his college glory days.  He was at least 10-15 years beyond the pictures and certainly was worse for the wear. 

I wanted to run away, but I stayed. We sat down at a table and told me that he does “Superhero reenactments” in the park on Saturdays. They act out scenes from comic books and even make up some of their own (oh boy!).  

He and I had figured out we had a mutual friend which he proceeded to trash talk for a few minutes about how lame he was. This was a red flag because I adore this mutual friend.

The conversation (which was all of 10-15 minutes) floated on to his days printing Christian t-shirts even though he hated christians. (I might have hated christians too if I had to print the goofy t-shirts)

Then, out of the blue he says “well, this is going well. I am trying to branch out because I normally date dancers from work.”

I froze. 

“Oh, what kind of dancers?”

He replies, “Strippers. I manage a gentlemen’s club off the 405 and so I thought I should date outside of that circle because it gets a little weird sometimes.”

Wow.

I got out of there asap…as in…I think I was at coffee for 10-15 minutes and then I was driving home. 

This is one of those stories where you might think “Is she joking?!” 

And to you I would say, “I wish it was a joke or a tad embellished, but this really happened.”

Superman and strippers…what a combo.

Itchy Dread Lock Guy

Matched with a guy with long blonde dread locks (not my preference…) I thought “really, am I going to reject him based on his hair? That seems pretty shallow.”

However, his dreadlocks looked dirty and smelly…not well groomed and clean like a few of my friends and favorite authors who sport them daily and I don’t even notice. 

He was an art teacher, a worship leader at his church, it all seemed to be normal enough. He was a really nice guy too. I enjoyed our conversation on the phone, and even the first date.

I felt well aware that to someone in the public watching us, I likely looked like his social worker meeting with him to make sure he was staying on his program or something. I tried to look into his eyes and listen to his heart. I was drawn to his warm heart and caring nature. He was peaceful (and likely stoned) and I thought, hmmm maybe he can groom himself a little better and be a pretty rad guy.  I think on the first date the coffee we drank must have blocked out his bad breath and homeless smell that emanated from his body or hair, which I discovered on the 2nd date.

Date 2 was probably a dumb idea. I was continuing to push myself  not to become hung up on his outward appearance…and we were going to go see a free concert at an art museum in town. I figured at the very least I’d attend a cool event in LA and go home with a funny story…at the best…I’d grow to like someone different from me who is a wonderful person…you never know.

I arrived and he looked a little like a troll doll standing on the corner in a t-shirt and shorts. He stuck out of the crowd and looked…well…homeless. “Oh boy, I thought, here we go!” and I met him on the corner where we would wait in line for over an hour to not actually ever get admitted to the event because it was at capacity. In line, he bored me to death with the details of all of the Dungeons and Dragons characters he has sculpted with his students and all the details of the time he spends playing this game with them. 

Trying to move the conversation on to something a tad more mutually engaging, I asked him if he was reading any books right now. He was enthusiastic to jump into another loonnnnnggggg monologue about all of the various characters in his sci-fi novel. 

Bored almost to tears with his rambling, aware of the stench coming from his body (or hair), I decided to find out if our waiting in line was even a good idea. Turns out, the event was at capacity already, and our waiting in line was totally futile. 

We walked around a bit (I felt obligated since I had said I could hang out…and even if boring…he was still sweet) and then stopped into a coffee shop at which point he announced “I will pay for your coffee”

“oh thank you very much,” I said but what I thought inwardly was “oh you bet you will after the hour of my life you wasted with your strange fictional character stories.”

We sat outdoors on the patio and he asked me a few questions but then got caught up blabbling on and on about something at which point he said:

“So, I’m 30 days sober. I mean, I still smoke weed, but I’m not drinking anymore”

“Oh, what made you stop drinking?” I asked.

“Well, my liver numbers were really bad,” he replied.

Because testing my liver numbers is nothing I do as routine, I asked him how he discovered his liver numbers were high. At this point, he shared the unexpected:

“Well, I found out because of a very terrible case of jock itch. You see, I tried a lot of creams on them but nothing was working so I went to the doctor. The doctor offered another prescription creme, but then said he wanted to do a blood test. Once the blood test results came back, they showed that it was time I stop drinking. I’ve been doing a detox diet and using the cream, so things are much better down there, which is good.”

my inner conversation:

“OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! IS HE REALLY TALKING ABOUT JOCK ITCH!!????? Oh gross. He’s talking about his balls still…and putting cream on them. Stop sharing. Please stop sharing. I didn’t really want to know.”

I couldn’t help it, I giggled a little. It was just to unbelievable. I don’t remember how I replied to that, but I definitely tried to wrap up our date. 

However, since I figured I’d write about this absurd date I tried to get a little more dirt by asking something I was really curious about. I asked him politely, “so tell me about your dread locks what made you decide to do this?”

He looked at me as if to say “what do you mean, doesn’t everyone want dread locks?” but he answered me by saying: 

“Oh, I just don’t like brushing or cutting my hair. I guess I’m lazy.” 

I guess so. I would’ve respected some social constructionist rebellion explation or even if he just wanted to say “because I like them.”  This reasoning seemed to fit him, and so I tried to figure out how I could “need to get going soon.” 

I wanted to say, “Is that also how you feel about showers?” but I didn’t. I went home. Before I left the parking garage I texted a few friends:

“In tonight’s episode of my dating life my dread locked, smelly date talked incessantly about Dungeons and Dragons, sci fi novels and then shared about his horrible case of jock itch”